Hey, everybody. Welcome to the addiction unlimited podcast, where you get to learn everything you wanna know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pew, c founder of Kansas City recovery, life coach, and recovering alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode 0 on your podcast app or find us on the web at addiction unlimited dot com. Hello, my friends. I'm your coach Angela pew. If we haven't met, I'm a master coach, national speaker, founder of my recovery toolbox, entrepreneur and recovering alcoholic. In today's episode, we're gonna talk about the relapse roller coaster. And my top 3 reasons that land you in that cycle of up and down sober then relapse over and over, feeling like you're getting nowhere. My top 3 reasons people get stuck on the roller coaster. 1 expectations. You think it's gonna be quick and easy. 2, lack of direction you don't plan or create a toolbox or have support. Or 3 escape, you think you're craving a drink, but really you're craving escape. That's a big 1. So Let's start with number 1 expectations. 1 of my favorite sayings is expectations are pre resentment. And the more you think about this phrase in different situations, the more you realize how accurate it is. It can be as simple as I walk into my regular Aa meeting, and I see someone there. And immediately in my head, I create this expectation of how they're gonna greet me. This is a split second thing that happens. In my head, it flashes this picture of my friend being super happy to see me come across the room to say hello or give me a hug and it's gonna be all happy. But what happens is My friend is in the middle of a conversation with someone else and just gives me a slight wave from across the room. Well, all of a sudden, The committee kicks in and starts talking trash. Right? Do they not like me anymore? I thought they'd come over and be happy to see me Did I do something wrong? Did I do something to make the mad? And I'll start going over in my head, all the conversations we've had to see if there's some reason they don't like me anymore. Like I legit do this. The truth of the situation is, they're just in the middle of a conversation and didn't have time to come over before the meeting started. This can also get much more complicated and it can completely derail your best intentions. For example, you have an expectation that as soon as you quit drinking, your life is gonna get easy and your problems will start to disappear. When you have this expectation, you stop drinking and you get irritated when it doesn't feel easy, because you thought alcohol was the problem. Here's a truth bomb. Alcohol and drugs are a symptom of the problem. The problem is we don't understand or cope with feelings well. So we use substances to numb the feelings, so we don't have to feel them. The reality is you drink to manipulate feelings and dodge responsibility. So when you quit drinking, All those habits don't magically disappear, then you get mad because you thought putting down the drink was gonna solve your problems, but in truth, it's just the tip of the iceberg. I'll give you another example for myself and how I get caught in the same trap. Many of you know about 5 years ago, I gained some weight in my eating habits got way out of control. So for the past 5 years, I have been on the roller coaster with weight and food. And I've always fluctuate weight a little bit like 5 or 7 pounds. And as a younger person, I could drop those few extra pounds, super easy with little effort. But this time, I gained 20 pounds. The weight doesn't just fall off like it did when I was 25. So I would get serious about losing the weight and changing my habits to eat healthier, and I would start going to the gym. And when I didn't have big results in a week, I would get mad and depressed and say. Because I had this expectation that I was gonna work hard for 5 minutes and get results, but it doesn't work that way. It took me about a year to put on those 20 pounds. So now I look at it as a long term healing process that it should take me a year to heal and change my lifestyle and change my mindset to support the healthier lifestyle I want. That's how I want you to look at your recovery. This is a long game. Not quick or instant results. You are healing. You are changing lifestyle habits. In retraining your brain to have a positive and healthy mindset. You know the person you wanna be and the life you wanna have and that isn't going to magically appear just because you put down your bottle of wine. It takes work and it takes time. Now that I've reached a new level in my healthy lifestyle I can look back on the things I was doing last year and 2 years ago, and I see how little effort I was really putting in. I see where I was totally half ass it. I was totally half ass the whole thing with literally 0 commitment. It's like I would kind of half ass try for 5 or 6 days, then drown my disappointment in resentment in ppe an ice cream. My workouts were total Bs, I was doing the absolute bare minimum to and my commitment level was terrible because I was still committed to being lazy. I didn't want to be uncomfortable I didn't wanna be inconvenience. I'm so lazy that I want everything to be super easy where I don't have to put in any effort. And I definitely don't wanna be uncomfortable. Now that I got off the relapse roller coaster, I can see so much more clearly. I'm looking at this change as a long term process and I'm managing my expectations, and I want you to do the same. Don't have unrealistic expectations of quick and magical healing. There is no question when you quit drinking, you will feel better. Your anxiety will go down. You'll start to sleep better, you'll have more energy because you're not poisoning yourself anymore. And you will have to do some work to heal the wounds and retrain the bad habits into good habits and it is going to be uncomfortable sometimes, and it is going to be hard sometimes. And some days, you're gonna feel like crap. It's just that simple, and it's okay. You aren't alone in this. You are super strong. You already survived poisoning yourself so surely you can survive recovery. Listen, get real here. People who have cancer and have to do chemotherapy and radiation don't stop their treatment because it's uncomfortable. And we've all heard the horror stories and I'm sure some of you have experienced at firsthand. We've all heard the horror stories of chemotherapy and radiation and how awful it is and uncomfortable and how your whole life is put on hold. But those people aren't saying, you know what? I changed my mind. I think I'll just keep the cancer. Right? The treatment for any illness is uncomfortable and has difficult side effect. Our illness is no different. Don't have crazy expectations that turn into resentment when things don't go your way. Be realistic in your expectations. You're playing a long game for long term results and you are a warrior. Be a warrior. Look discomfort in the face and tell it to f off. When the committee starts talking trash, tell it to f off and tell it, you're a freaking warrior and we're not messing around here. Real change, real relief that lasts takes real time and energy. So let's do that. And this takes me right into number 2, lack of direction You know you wanna be sober, you know drinking is ruining your life. You know you wanna stop, but you don't have a plan or a clear direction. The only thing you planned was not taking the next drink. And that plan is not gonna get you far. When you quit drinking, it leaves a lot of hours uno because we spend a lot of hours drinking. When you are changing a habit, you'll be much more successful if you exchange the habit. Meaning if you are taking something away, add something in its place. Swap your alcoholic beverage for a new non alcoholic beverage. If you used to sit in your living room in your favorite chair, drinking your life away, don't just stop sitting in the chair and never go in the living room again, either move the chair to a different spot in the room or get a new chair or create a whole new space for yourself to sit and enjoy your evenings. I have 1 client who created a beautiful little space center her bedroom with 2 chairs and a small table to sitter coffee on ride inside the window so she gets this great sunlight coming in, and that became her new spot instead of sitting in the living room where she used to sit in front of the Tv drinking bottles of wine. Exchange habits. If you used to hang out in bars on the weekends, switch it up and start hanging out at the coffee shop or the bookstore or the gym. My gym has this great little cafe where they have healthy food and protein drinks and coffee. It's like a little restaurant. And in the evenings, it's full of people hanging out connecting. Connecting in a healthier lifestyle and a healthier place. Also, I think because the gym has childcare care, so everyone can work out then then go hang out in the cafe Ave for a little while before getting the kids and heading home for the evening. And don't create unrealistic expectations here either. Don't think, oh, I'm gonna go hang out at the coffee shop and meet people and have a great time. And you go once, and you don't talk to anyone, and then you decided it didn't work and you're disappointed so you don't do it anymore. Wrong answer. You have to do something at least 5 or 10 times just to get through the initial discomfort of being uncomfortable. If you try a new Aa meeting, Make a deal with yourself to go at least 7 times before you decide, you like that 1 or not. If you wanna create a new habit of spending time in healthier places where there are non drinking people, make a commitment to trying 5 different places and go to each of them 5 to 7 times before you make a decision. And if you wanna meet people, then you have to smile and make eye contact and say hello to people. You know this was an extremely challenging issue for me because my anxiety was so bad. When I was new in sobriety. It felt excruciating just to walk into a meeting and even worse to push myself to connect with people. But this is what I mean about having a clear direction. I know I wanna be connected to people. I know I want to have fun. I want sober friends. I want to go places and do things with people just like me. So if that's what I want, then I have to take action to create that. And that means going to places where sober people are and saying hello to sober people and accepting invitations to do things with sober people even if they aren't things I would normally do. That's how I started making friends when I was brand new, I was invited to dinner with a group of women I didn't know, and of course, I didn't wanna go. The committee was screaming at me to say no. But I knew I had to go against the committee for sure because the committee isn't trustworthy and I knew if I wanted to have sober friends and a fun sober life then I had to be willing to be uncomfortable and hang out with sober people. I went to the dinner. I sat in my car cried for probably 20 minutes before I went in because my anxiety was so bad but I did it. I stayed 30 minutes that it was nice. It wasn't life changing, like, I had the time of my life. But it was life changing in the way that I was putting the time and energy into breaking old habits and creating new healthier ones that were in line with the life I wanted to build for myself. Micro decisions. Those split second choices will change your life. This is exactly why we're doing the Sober vision workshop to get clear on that direction you wanna go and get clear on what you need to do to accomplish the life you want. No lifestyle is built overnight. It has taken me years to become who I am today. In every single year, I see massive growth because I have a clear direction. That's what I want you to have. And this will help with expectations too, being accurate with your expectations and having a clear direction, will help you feel that sense of accomplishment rather than getting stuck in the trap of I should be better than this by now. I should feel better. I should be farther along. First of all, every sober person has those same thoughts. I think it at least once a week about something. I have to catch myself and remind myself that everyone feels that way, and I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Okay. Last 1. Number 3, craving, escape. Here's a huge misconception especially when we use the word craving. You are not craving a drink. You are craving escape. We drank to numb and avoid feelings. We drank to numb anxiety, numb, guilt, numb insecurity, numb in indecision, numb, fear. When you get sober, you have no escape. You now have to provide the escape for yourself. You have to find out what makes you feel better and gives you relief. And you have to be realistic in your expectations because the activities we enjoy sober are not anesthesia like alcohol. Alcohol is a natural an aesthetic, and it numb physical and emotional pain. Sobriety does not do that, so don't expect it to. You will be uncomfortable and you will survive. You have to build your survival muscles because you haven't used them in a long time because you used alcohol to survive everything. And building muscles takes time and energy and practice. You are per capable of being uncomfortable in getting through it, especially if you follow all the strategies and plans I map out for you with this podcast, If you follow along and put the things in place that I suggest you will definitely be able to get through those uncomfortable times. Don't get caught up in a craving and convince yourself you're craving a drink. What you are craving is an escape. And relief from whatever you're feeling. When a craving pops up, label it, label what you are feeling that you want to escape. The drink is just the fastest way to not feel. It's not the drink you want, It's the not feeling that you want. You wanna numb, and the drink is what you've always used to numb. Keep that in mind, the alcohol is only the tool, and now you have to find new tools. If you wanna feel better than find things you enjoy and go do them. If you want friends, go make them. If you want hobbies, go find them. If you want sober people to hang out with, go where sober people are. Sober people aren't going to get on a bus and show up at your house asking to hang out and be friends with you. A ferry is not going to show up on your doorstep with a perfect life in a box where all your problems are solved and you are happy. It's not anyone else's responsibility to build you or build your life. It's yours. That means you have to invest the time and energy and sometimes money to explore new things in different things to break down your anxiety to find activities you like to do to feel better and have fun. No 1 can do your work for you. I promise you if I could do all the work for everybody. I would do it in a split second. I would do it for everybody. It's your life, create it to be whatever you want, but don't expect to sit around the house complaining about everything and not taking any action and wonder why you don't feel good and you aren't having any fun. And in this process, think about how you can help others. What can you do to make someone else's journey feel better? How can you make someone else a little more comfortable. Think about the people around you and think about that their anxiety is bad too. So maybe you smile at them first to offer some comfort instead of only thinking about yourself and how bad your anxiety is. Be mindful of the people around you. Maybe you see someone in the grocery store who looks tired or stressed out or their kids are acting like animals. And you can see they're embarrassed. Take 3 seconds to say a few kind words or give them a compliment or offer some empathy about our children acting like animals because we can all feel that pain. I don't have my own kids, but I have a very clear understanding that those little people are completely irrational and wild. I just saw a girl at the gym yesterday the day is right next to the women's locker. So I'm walking out of the locker room and she had just gotten her kids out of day. And her little baby, probably 7 or 8 months old was screaming at the top of her lungs. And the poor mom was chasing her other 1 who was about 2 or 3, chasing her down the hallway. If this poor girl was young. I mean, she was in her early to mid twenties, and you could tell she was just about to lose her grip. And her kid was screaming, and I just looked at her and smiled, and I said, I totally understand where she's coming from. I feel the same way about 3 times at And we both got laugh for a second. I wanted her to have a moment of empathy and a moment of relief and to take the edge off and instead of ob about myself and whatever thing I'm complaining about in the moment and thinking about keeping my head down because my anxiety is so bad. Stop only thinking about yourself, Lift your head up, make someone else's day better, be of service. Okay. Let's recap. 1, expectations. Expectations are pre resentment don't have unrealistic expectations about what you will get or how fast you will get it in sobriety. You're playing the long game. Not the instant gratification game. You will definitely have some relief when you quit drinking, and we want continued relief for the long term, so we are going for lifestyle change. It's so funny to me how quickly we expect results in our lives when we get sober, when really, usually, we've dedicated years to our demise. Right? It took years of drinking to get where I got, and it only makes sense that my healing will take time also. Don't get frustrated, just know there isn't a fast and easy solution. Make sure you manage your expectations so you aren't getting upset when things don't go your way. Some days are going to be fantastic. In some days are going to be not fantastic. We can't control life. But we can control how we respond to it. If something feels off or isn't going the way you thought it would or the way you wanted it to. Take a second and reevaluate the situation and see what you can do to shift it? Could you be doing more? Do you need to be more patient, are you being lazy? Are you being entitled? Could you be trying harder? Manage your expectations and be kind to yourself? This is a hell of a journey you're on, give yourself some grace. Number 2, lack of direction. If you don't have a plan, create a toolbox and support, you will fl with little success. Having the understanding that this is going to take time, you're going to have to be patient and make your decisions with intention to live your life intentionally, this will serve you very well. Here's what I mean when I say live intentionally. That means you think about each part of your day and you choose what actions to take. You choose what things you will decline and you choose what boundaries you set with people and situations. Remember the daily routine checklist I made for you. This is what it's all about. Intentionally, choosing what steps you take and when you're going to take them. I break it down into 3 parts of the day. Right? Morning noon and night. And then I have a list of things to choose from, and I make sure I do some of those things from the list in those different times of day. Easy peasy. For me, I'm always gonna make sure I do something for my sobriety. I'm always gonna make sure I do something to be of service to others. I'm always gonna make sure I do something healthy for my body. Super simple, and there's a million ways to do all of those things. The key is you have to have direction. You have to know what you want your life to look like. The person you wanna be, how you wanna feel. So you know what activities to choose intentionally to get you going in that direction. Number 3, escape. You think you're craving a drink, but you're really craving escape. Don't get this confused. What you're craving is an escape. You want to numb your feelings and the drink is the method you always used before and it's the fastest way to escape. When that craving creeps in, take a minute, figure out what you're feeling. Once you know what you're feeling, then do something to cope with that feeling instead of trying to escape it. You aren't craving a drink. Don't let the committee fool you with this. You're probably uncomfortable, bored, lonely, tired, overwhelmed, angry, confused or a thousand other things. And you don't have any experience dealing with emotions, so your go to move is to numb them and escape responsibility of having to deal with them. A drink is not your solution. Don't fool yourself. Okay, my friends. Another episode together. I love you guys. Thank you for all your support and love and kind words, I'm so happy that we are in this together and supporting 1 another. And if you enjoyed this episode take a second and share it with someone you know who will love it also. I hope you are having a fantastic day, and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the addiction unlimited podcast, candid an honest conversation about addiction and recover Be sure to visit us at addiction on unlimited dot com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about Love this episode, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review on itunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week.